You were three drinks into a really good conversation.
He was funny, he asked real questions, and somewhere between your job and the house you just closed on, he leaned back and said it:
“Wow. You’re kind of intimidating.”
And you did what so many of us do. You laughed, you shrank a little, and you spent the drive home wondering if you should have left out the house.
Let’s talk about that word
I hear it from clients almost every week, and it does more damage than it deserves to.
“Intimidating” is not a description of you. It’s a description of how he feels sitting next to you.
Those are two very different things. And when you mix them up, you start editing yourself for a man who hasn’t earned the edit.
What he usually means
When a man calls you intimidating, he usually means one of three things:
A compliment he doesn’t know how to give. He’s impressed and a little nervous, and “intimidating” is the clumsy word that falls out.
A confession. He’s measuring himself against you and coming up short in his own head.
A test. He wants to see if you’ll shrink, because a smaller you would feel more comfortable to him.
The word is the same. The man is not.
Your job isn’t to fix the word. Your job is to find out which man you’re sitting across from.
The one question to ask
Here’s what I teach my clients to say, calmly, with a smile and no apology:
“That’s interesting. What about me feels intimidating?”
Then stop talking and watch.
🟢 If he meant it as a compliment
He’ll laugh and say something like, “Honestly, you’ve got it together and I’m trying not to blow it.”
He’s leaning in, so keep going.
🟡 If he meant it as a confession
He’ll get quiet and real: “I guess I’m still figuring out my own stuff.”
That’s not automatically a no. Whether he’s actually working on his stuff tells you more than the word ever will.
🔴 If he meant it as a test
He’ll get defensive or make a joke at your expense: “I’m just saying, guys don’t love a woman who doesn’t need them.”
Thank him for saving you five months. That’s the whole point of knowing in five dates instead of five months.
The part nobody tells you
You don’t need to become less to be loved. But you do need to let him in.
A lot of us who have built full lives on our own have gotten very good at handling everything ourselves. Sometimes what reads as “intimidating” really means “she has no door open for me.”
Your ambition isn’t the problem. A closed door is.
You can own the house, love your job, and still let a man carry the groceries, pick the restaurant, or show up for you. Those aren’t opposites. That’s the woman the right man is looking for.
So the next time you hear it
Don’t shrink.
Don’t armor up.
Get curious, ask the question, and let his answer do the sorting for you.
Can’t tell if he’s leaning in or keeping you on the bench?
That’s exactly what we work on in Dating Reset Training Camp, three live evenings with me. On night three, Reset Your Decisions, you’ll learn how to read a man’s answers so you know by date five whether to stay or go.
Tue to Thu, Oct 20 to 22 · 8 PM ET / 5 PM PT · $47. Join by Sunday for a turn in my Live Profile Hot Seat.
Save My Spot at Camp → trainingcamp.amandacarroll.org
Amanda