If you're new here, I'm Amanda Carroll. I'm a dating strategist and former national radio host, and I'm the personal dating coach for women who built a life they're proud of and never got a plan for this part. This Substack is your playbook. One play a week. You study it, you run it, and you stop guessing at the one area of your life you've been running on instinct.
Here's something I have never once seen a smart woman do at work. She doesn't keep an employee for three years who showed her exactly who he was on day nine. She documents it. She has the conversation. And if nothing changes, she makes the call. Clean, fair, done. Then she goes home and gives another eighteen months to a man who forgets to text her back, makes a joke about her "being a lot" in front of his friends, and hasn't planned a date since March.
This is the third play in a series. Two weeks ago, the Fast to Fire Play gave you the Scouting Report and the Date Five Review. Last week, the Provisional Hire Play covered what happens once he's earned date six: 30 days of exclusivity and a Day-30 Review. This week is the hardest part, and the part most women were never given permission to use. What to do when he's already exclusive, you're already invested, and he starts showing you something you can't unsee.
That is when walking away gets hard, and it's not because you're weak. Remember the season-ticket holders who kept going to plays they weren't enjoying because they'd already paid? Exclusivity is a season ticket. Once you've invested, every instinct you have says protect what you paid. That's why you need your firing policy written down before you need it.
Where this play was born
For about ten years after my divorce, I dated the wrong way. I even got engaged again, and I knew in my gut the whole time that it was wrong. I kept explaining things away. He's stressed. He didn't mean it like that. Every relationship has hard seasons. That engagement ended when I was 43. It didn't end because I finally got brave. It ended because it finally got bad enough that I couldn't explain it away anymore.
Here's what I understand now. I didn't stay because I was weak. I stayed because I didn't have a firing policy. I had a season ticket and a lot of hope.
THIS WEEK'S PLAY: NEVER REHIRE
Step 1: Know your firing offenses. These don't wait for a review, and exclusivity doesn't protect him from them. Any one of them, on any day, and he's done.
He makes a joke at your expense. A healthy man doesn't get laughs by making you smaller.
He doesn't honor the commitment, or you find out he's still dating other people.
Any physical aggression. Any verbal abuse. Ever. (If you're scared, skip the conversation and get support first. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233.)
He makes you feel uncomfortable about yourself in any way: your body, your success, your kids, your age.
He's inconsistent. He doesn't text every day, or you don't hear from him for a while.
He planned the dates at the beginning, and now suddenly you're planning everything.
He pushes past a no, even a small one.
He keeps you hidden. You haven't met a single friend, and his dating profile is somehow still active.
He's charming to you and rude to the server.
He makes you compete, whether that's with his ex, his phone, or his "options."
He lies about small things. Small lies are a preview of big ones.
One guardrail, because you're a high performer and I know how you work: this doesn't mean firing a good man for being human. A clumsy apology, a bad week at work, a restaurant pick that missed — that's coachable. Character is not coachable. You're not firing for mistakes. You're firing for patterns.
Step 2: Run the exit interview. Once you're exclusive, a text that says "we're not the right match" doesn't quite fit anymore. He deserves a clear ending, and so do you. Say it (or send it, if safety calls for it) in one breath, with no reasons attached, because reasons invite a negotiation: "I've been honest with myself about what I need in a partner, and this isn't it. I'm ending things. I'm grateful for the time we had, and I wish you well." Then do the real exit interview, with yourself. When did I first know? What did I explain away? What goes on my Scouting Report next time? That turns every ending into data instead of a wound.
Step 3: Never rehire. This is the hard one, I know. He comes back. He says the right things. He's "been doing a lot of work." And a quiet voice says, but what if there's no one better out there?
That voice is the scarcity-of-good-men myth, and it's the reason so many women end up in the wrong marriage. They accept less than they deserve because they're afraid the chair will stay empty. But here's what the numbers show. On Hinge, roughly 6 out of every 10 users are men. And research on dating apps shows that a small slice of men, somewhere between 10 and 20 out of every 100, get most of the matches. Which means most of the men out there are being overlooked, and plenty of them are the kind, consistent, plans-the-date man you actually want. There is no shortage of good men. There's a shortage of women who were ever taught how to choose one.
Being alone is not the worst thing. Spending your life with someone who undervalues you is.
Stop finding out in month eighteen
Every firing offense on that list is easier to spot when you know exactly what you're hiring for. That's what we build at The Game Plan, my free live training. We'll work through the three foundational plays of Clarity, Process and Vetting, you'll build your Green-Light Brief to use on your next date, and I'll show you the full seven-play Playbook.
The Game Plan · Monday, October 12 · 12 PM PT / 3 PM ET · Free
→ SAVE MY FREE SEAT AT THE GAME PLAN
RUN THE PLAY
Open your phone today and write your firing offenses list. Start with mine and add your own. Put it right under your Scouting Report, because you'll need it at 11pm. Tell me in the comments: what's the one firing offense you'll never explain away again?
Run the Play.
Amanda
P.S. If he's already come back once, and you're thinking about letting him back in, come to The Game Plan first. It's Monday, October 12, at 12 PM PT / 3 PM ET, and it's free. → SAVE MY FREE SEAT