If you're new here, I'm Amanda Carroll. I'm a dating strategist and former national radio host, and I'm the personal dating coach for women who built a life they're proud of and never got a plan for this part. This Substack is your playbook. One play a week. You study it, you run it, and you stop guessing at the one area of your life you've been running on instinct.
Not long ago, I climbed into my best friend's bed in my pajamas, with zero makeup, set a ring light and two microphones on a breakfast tray, and hit record.
Katie had just come home from an emergency surgery. If you live in Sacramento, you know her voice. She hosts the morning show on 106.5 The End. Back when I was in radio, she was my competition, and she beat me in the ratings every single time. Now she's my best friend, and the podcast was her idea. She wanted to talk about what happened between her and her fiancé in that hospital.
Her fiancé has a live radio show too, so he couldn't just take the week off. He found a way anyway. When he walked into her hospital room, she lit up like a kid on Christmas morning, and he told her, "No one has ever been that excited to see me." Through the scary, messy, not-cute recovery that followed, he became even more her best friend. She told me she has never been more sure she's marrying the right man.
On the apps, you are not looking for a husband. You are looking for a friend, because a friend is who you actually want to marry.
Where this play was born
For ten years after my divorce, I dated the wrong men. Mr. Alpha, who ran the room and ran right over me. Mr. Provider, who had the house and the title but no real interest in who I was. Mr. Showy, who was all big gestures on the first date and nothing by the fifth. They had one thing in common: every one of them gave me butterflies. And I treated those butterflies like evidence.
Here's what I wish someone had told me. A lot of the time, butterflies are just uncertainty. Will he text? Does he like me? Where is this going? That jittery not-knowing feels exciting, so we call it chemistry. The man who will find a way to get to your hospital room usually doesn't feel like that on date one. He feels calm. He texts when he says he will. He asks a second question about your work. And if you're used to chaos, calm can read as boring, so we swipe left on the exact man we say we want.
This isn't only a nice idea. Economists Shawn Grover and John Helliwell studied large national surveys and found that the happiness boost people get from marriage was about twice as large for those who considered their spouse their best friend. Relationship researcher John Gottman, who has studied couples for decades, puts friendship at the foundation of what makes a marriage last.
The friendship isn't the consolation prize. It's the prize.
THIS WEEK'S PLAY: THE BEST FRIEND PLAY
Step 1: Swipe for someone you'd want to hang out with. Skip the yacht photos and the shirtless gym selfies. Look for the profile that makes you think, "He'd be fun to grab tacos with." Humor, curiosity, a real hobby, a photo with his people. Those are friendship signals.
Step 2: Make the first date a friend date. Coffee, a walk, tacos. Take "Is he the one?" off the table and ask a much easier question: "Do I like this person?" Without the pressure, you'll see who he really is, and so will he.
Step 3: Run the best-friend test afterward. Answer three questions honestly:
Was he curious about you?
Did he do what he said he'd do?
Does a Sunday at Target with him sound fun instead of excruciating?
Three yeses is a strong signal, with or without fireworks.
Step 4: Give calm a second date. Attraction often grows as trust grows. Character rarely changes. If he passes the best-friend test, let the spark catch up.
That's how I met my husband, Sean, on Hinge. I wasn't scrolling for butterflies anymore. I was looking for a friend. Last weekend we celebrated three years of marriage in Lake Tahoe. He planned every bit of the trip, and my only job was ordering the sweaters. We brought our e-bikes and rode around the lake, and I spent the whole weekend with my best friend.
If you missed it, the full pajama episode with Katie is up right here. It might be my favorite one we've ever made. → Listen to the episode
Know what you're screening for
The Best Friend Play works when you know exactly what a great partner looks like for you, so calm reads as a green light instead of boring. That's what we build at The Game Plan, my free live training. We'll work through the three foundational plays of Clarity, Process and Vetting, you'll build your Green-Light Brief to use on your next date, and I'll show you the full seven-play Playbook.
The Game Plan · Monday, October 19 · 12 PM PT / 3 PM ET · Free
→ SAVE MY FREE SEAT AT THE GAME PLAN
RUN THE PLAY
Open your apps this week and give one man a second look because you'd want to grab tacos with him, not because he gave you butterflies. Tell me in the comments: what's one quality you value more in a partner today than you did ten years ago? I read every one.
Run the Play.
Amanda
P.S. If you keep swiping left on the calm ones and right on the ones who keep you guessing, come to The Game Plan on Monday at noon Pacific. That pattern is fixable, and it's exactly what we work on.